What is Polyamory?

Polyamory, which means “many loves”, refers to practice of having more than one loving, sexual, honest, and lasting relationship at a time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The word itself was coined in the sixties, and is often connected with the concept of “Free Love,” but there are some important differences. There is quite a bit of confusion about polyamory, and how it differs from free love, polygamy, swinging, and open relationships.

Free love and open relationships are usually the relationship styles with the least amount of structure. People come and go, and the sex comes and goes like the wind. The idea of building a long lasting, loving relationship with a particular person may or may not be present. In polyamory, the intention is to spend enough time with each partner to develop long lasting romantic relationships. Each person may have additional relationships with less commitment, but those aren’t usually considered polyamorous. They might be considered “special friends” or “fuck buddies,” but not “additional loves” as they are considered in polyamory.

Polygamy refers to marital relationships between one superior male and a number of subordinate females, who cannot have relationships of their own. This is nothing like polyamory, in which the women have equal ability to have relationships as the men. While there may be a hierarchical structure in some polyamorous relationships, the hierarchy usually refers to the original couple, not to any one individual in the relationship. (This may vary if the relationship is kinky and involves a dominant and/or a submissive). Some couples struggle with the equality dynamic: many men say it is ok for their female partner to have other female partners but not other male partners. That is not true polyamory; that is chauvinism.

There is some gray area between swinging and polyamory, even though the relationship styles differ significantly. In swinging, the focus is on recreational sex, while in polyamory, the focus is developing loving relationships that include sex. Most swingers are committed couples with an agreement not to fall in love with anyone else, which is very different from the desires of polyamorous people. However, they gray area comes into play when a couple spends a lot of time swinging with another person or couple and a relationship develops. It might even be a loving relationship. Polyamorous people and swingers continue to debate the terminology, where there is overlap, and where they differ.

What polyamorous people have in common is a commitment to honesty above all. Relationships in which one or more people aren’t aware of the other relationships, or aren’t in agreement with their existence, are not polyamorous. In polyamory, it is considered cheating not only to lie (or omit information) about who your partners are, but also to break any agreements the couple or group has in place. For example, safe sex practices are usually agreed on by the couple or group, and if those practices are ignored, it is considered as bad as cheating or lying. The rebuilding of trust is difficult and may even lead to the end of the relationship.

Fundamentally, polyamory is about removing the limits we place on ourselves and on our partners in traditional relationships. It is about trusting in love over fear, which allows those we love to fully reach their potential, in work, play, love and sex. If reaching their potential includes a desire to have intimate relationships with other people (which is not the case for everyone – monogamy can work too!), so be it. In the end, if those we love believe they have all the freedom in the world to leave us, yet they choose to stay, we can be certain their love for us is for real.

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