“Oh give it to me baby!” Is that about the extent of your dirty talking in the bedroom? Many couples whose sex lives start out hot and spicy in the beginning end up repeating a series of lackluster routine events that frankly…aren’t too exciting. There are plenty of men and women with the same complaint. “He/she used to be so erotic in the bedroom, demanding sexual performance and now…nothing.” It’s true. Once you become a husband or wife, mother or father – you may not feel as comfortable talking dirty in your partner’s ear. Still, dirty talk as foreplay, during and after sex can be a huge arousal tool that can set your love life on fire. Here are a few tips!

The first thing to do is to share with your partner what kind of dirty talk turns you on. Some of us are too embarrassed to even talk about it, and we just hope they will say the right things. However, your partner can’t read your mind. Don’t be afraid to let loose with some ‘loose’ language that steers your partner in the right direction. If you want your man or woman to be more hardcore, then ask for it! Using some well placed cuss words during sex can amp up the performance of any person and makes your love making sessions hotter than ever. And while you may be sure your partner doesn’t like to hear that talk from you, it may just be that they aren’t used to it. In fact, in a loving and healthy relationship – what happens in the bedroom doesn’t have to be in line with your responsibilities during the day. This should be your place to let go as a couple and increase your intimacy with one another, closing the outside world out completely. Remember the old adage, what goes on in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom? No one will know about your ‘dirty talk’ but you and your partner. So don’t hold back!

When is the last time you had a little phone sex with your partner? If you are in the mood, rather than wait it out all day until you are together, why not meet up over Skype or through a game of mad texting that shows him or her just how aroused you are. For many people, using emails or texts to indicate their desires and needs is easier than just calling them and blurting it out. Remember, men like women to be assertive, especially when it comes to sex!

If you feel silly talking dirty at first, then take it slow. You obviously don’t want your man rising up to look and make sure that you are still the same woman. However, whispering a few things that you like in his ears while he is in motion, interspersed with a few moans and groans are real turn ons for men. In addition to that, when he sees you more comfortable being verbal with your wants and desires, he may even let you in on a few fantasies of his as well. Who knows, it could open up a completely new type of sex to your relationship that is more fulfilling than ever before.

Perhaps the most important aspect of talking dirty to your man, is allowing him to see that you aren’t afraid or intimidated by erotic talk. Men often complain that their woman just lies there when they are having sex. Even if you don’t know all the moves and grooves yet to truly erotic lovemaking, dirty talk can help to spice things up.

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When we start an intimate relationship with someone, most of us don’t begin the relationship by rattling off our understanding of relationship terms to make sure our prospective partner is on the same wavelength. New passion takes over and relies on a set of assumptions we create based on our upbringing, current culture, and social grouping.

The complications set in when a society has a dizzying array of expectations, relationship models, cultures, and societal mores. In such a soup of differing approaches to relationships, early communication becomes vital to the survival of the relationship. Communication skills become very important when you can no longer rely on assumptions.

The negative approach

“How was I supposed to know you’d freak out if I kissed my friend goodbye?”
“Oh I suppose next you’ll jump into bed with him.”
“Where I’m from, everyone kisses their friends hello and goodbye. Doesn’t mean we want to screw them.”

The positive approach

“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but does your kissing your friend mean you’d like to take things to a deeper level with him?”
“No, sweetie. Where I come from, everyone kisses their friend hello and goodbye on the cheeks. In fact, we even kiss people we’ve just met for the first time.”
“Ah ok.”

For monogamous couples, the meaning for commitment, for example, is clear. Commitment is staying with one’s partner in an exclusive relationship through thick or thin. Any hint of spreading one’s affections to other adult members of the opposite sex can be viewed with suspicion as being the first sign of infidelity and a breaking of the commitment.

Even in non-exclusive relationships it’s important to clearly define terms that seem obvious and clear-cut.

The negative approach

“Yes, we have an open relationship but that doesn’t mean you can have sex with any floozy you feel like!”
“I didn’t have sex, she just gave me a blowjob!”
“THAT’S SEX!”
“Not in my book!”

The positive approach

“I think we need to clarify what we mean by ‘sex’. For me, sex means any physically intimate activity such as oral sex, penetration, and some form of heavy petting.”
“Hmmm… I’ve always thought sex just meant intercourse, as in ‘having sex with someone’. But I can understand your definition too.”
“Shall we agree to that we can have intimate relationships with people as long as there is no penetration?”
“Ok. I can live with that. If my feelings change about this, I’ll let you know.”

What is often overlooked is the fact that your partner’s or your definition or understanding of relationship terminology will most likely change as time goes by and often without realizing it. It’s also quite likely you or your partner may forget what their original position was on the subject. So just because you “talked about it” when you were getting married does not mean 10 years down the road you don’t have to. Relationships mature, evolve, thrive and/or die just like a living organism. Reflecting regularly on that growth and what it means for your partner and you is what will help you make it grow stronger or escape the misery of it should it go bad.

Part of the reason many relationships that had good communication to start with end up not talking much is the element of fear. Many people are afraid they will upset their partner with their true wishes or feelings. Or they fear that the partner wants something you can’t provide, to do things you are not interested in, or go places you’d rather not. So they avoid talking about it at all, and sort of “sweep it under the rug.” The problem with that is all those little un-talked about things accumulate under the rug, until one day you trip over them all and a huge fight ensues.

It’s ok not to agree on everything. Some of the strongest couples are those that don’t do everything together, don’t enjoy all the same things, and can’t provide everything the other partner needs. A common and quite unfair expectation placed on couples by western society and media is that the “perfect” couple should have no need for others. “You’re my everything”, “My one and only”, “You complete me”. All of which seems to be rendered somewhat empty when the baby comes along.

Communicating honestly about your needs without fear that your partner will feel inadequate to meeting them is an essential step in meeting those needs.

Marriage is such a prescribed and established relationship that most couples don’t feel the need to discuss its meanings and boundaries until it’s too late. There is an assumption that it’s understood what each partner is required to do and not to do, and also an inflexibility to the arrangement over time. The wedding vows for many are the be all and end all of the marriage definition and any deviation, in thought or deed, is grounds for breakup.

Couples that could have lived happily together for many more years break apart because of the marriage conditions and their or their partner’s unwillingness or inability to change and reinvent the marriage.

Above all, the marriage should be made for the couple and not the couple made for the marriage. Society far too often forces antiquated and unworkable models of marriage on modern couples and then embarrasses them when the model fails for them.

If the marriage is to be made for the couple, it must be fluid and willing to grow. In order to grow, the participants must communicate their interests and needs, even if they have changed, on all levels. If instead of negotiating the agreements you break them and place your trust in the love and understanding of your partner and their ability to forgive, you run a terrible risk of destroying everything you’ve worked for up until that point.

It can be incredibly uncomfortable, and sometimes it is risky to communicate these things to your partner. However, the risk of letting them fester “under the rug” is even worse.

When both players are using the same rulebook, especially one they’ve both been involved in writing, the game becomes so much more satisfying than if one or the other suspects cheating. Ongoing and open communication on all fronts is the key to achieve this happiness. Make the game work for you and your loved one and forget about trying to play the unhappy game that society has dictated for you.

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Happy New Year to everyone, we all wish you the best for the coming year! Being New Year it’s the perfect time to re-evaluate your relationships and make any changes needed. It’s also a great time for setting some resolutions!

Now, it doesn’t have to be the New Year to resolve to make your relationship better or your partnership more connected.

No matter what time of year it is, you might consider a fresh start or just some improvements to the way you act toward each other and the little things you do for each other that makes you both so compatible and united. The following are some ideas for your new resolutions for your relationship.

Making more of the little things.

This includes the things that demonstrate your affection for each other. The little spontaneous kisses, hugs, strokes and caresses that your partner never needs ask nor expect you to do. Resolve to do more of these, not in a smothering manner, but enough to really let your partner know you love them and desire physical contact with them.

Compliments.

Often it is something that is taken as a given. You think your partner is a great cook or looks wonderful dressed up or smells nice one day. But many don’t ever even think of opening their mouths and telling them so. A great resolution is to compliment your partner more. It has you thinking sincerely about your partner and what you love about them, and you can put a small effort into telling them something that will mean a lot to them. A daily compliment is a wonderful way to tell your partner how much you love them.

Sex.

No matter how comfortable a couple becomes with each other, either just living together or married, they should never let their sexual relationship fade away. Make a point to create and fulfill sexy dates at home or out, and make sure to have a grand finale in the bedroom! Sex is an extremely important part of any intimate relationship since it is the ultimate physical expression of love. Rekindle your sex life by opening up that imagination and putting forth the effort to experience some love! It should be one of the top priorities in a relationship.

Do not neglect yourself.

Even in a relationship, it is important to remember your own needs and wishes. Do not get bogged down doing everything in view of your partner’s happiness, because you will forget your own happiness. Ultimately, your partner will be happy if they see you happy. While you should tend to each other, you must both tend to your own ambitions too. This will create a team spirit between you and you can both work toward achieving each other’s wants and wishes. This way, everyone is happy without being selfish or demanding, but while fulfilling the other’s needs as well as having your own satisfaction.

Arguments.

Fighting can become a major hindrance in a relationship, and so it may be a great move to resolve to argue less. Easier said than done, yes, but with a calm composure on both sides, conflicts can be resolved easily with some adult talk or the realization and determination between what is really important in life. Does it matter that something was not put back in its place correctly, or that dinner was ruined once? They are the small and insignificant things in life. While sometimes it can hurt, it is not that important in the grand scheme of things. Therefore work together in avoiding any arguments and remaining calm no matter what.

Listen to each other.

A big deal in relationships is listening. You always hear stories of people complaining about their partner who never listens to them. Well, with just a little effort, you do not need to be one of these people. When your partner talks, just listen. Acknowledge what they said and take heed. If asked to do something, do it, no matter how boring the task, the sooner it’s done then it is out of the way and everyone is happy! Listening can also be an important part of getting to know each other. Hearing your partner’s thoughts, feelings and opinions might give you insight into how they really think and what they feel. It is a great form of communication, even without speaking! Resolve to listen to your partner more and you will find how much better life can be together.

By using your imagination, you can make up some resolutions of your own too. More personal ones will differ from person to person. Therefore only you can decide what you relationship needs in way of improvement and take actions toward achieving it.

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When discussing fantasies with your lover the question of whether you wish the fantasy to become a reality, or just keep it a fantasy, must be asked. Many fantasies involve some risks & often include behavior that are outside the realm of some people’s “norm”. Then again, there are many fantasies that are very easy to fulfill & well within every couples reach.

When discussing these fantasies some sense of each others limitations must be kept. As with all of the other discussions you have, or will have, about the various aspects of your sex life, an open mind & a nonjudgmental attitude must be held. This applies more so to fantasy talk than any of the other topics we have covered.

Some fantasies may be taken out of context & create an illusion of a sexual act that may appear on the surface as one thing when in fact that is not at all what the person had in mind. The most common example of this misconception is the rape fantasy. No person in the world would truly enjoy being raped, it is a sick & sadistic crime, but many have fantasies about what we could call, a controlled rape. Of course this would be with a person they knew & trusted & would not include any violence of any kind.

There are several other fantasies of this nature that must be cautiously examined but that is for another section. The point of this all is to make you realize that not all fantasies are within the grasp of a normal couple & some are meant to stay just that, a fantasy.

What should be considered a fantasy?

When talking about your fantasies with each other you must be able to openly discuss & listen to what each other is saying. I repeat LISTEN TO WHAT EACH OTHER IS SAYING! A fantasy is someone’s special place where they are usually the center of attention. These can also be a hidden desire longing to be fulfilled. A persons fantasy is something that belongs to them & is usually very special to them, kind of like a child’s special “pretend world”.

Tread lightly when talking about anyone’s fantasy so as not to criticize. Belittling a persons fantasy can have serious emotional effects! Fantasies can be anything from candlelit bathes with wine & oils to bisexual curiosities. As with all of our discussions in this section the level of trust & comfort with your partner will dictate the amount of information you are willing to share. Start gradually & allow these talks about fantasies to go forward at their own pace. Never force someone to divulge something they are not quite ready to tell you. Give it time & practice, it will come to you both as you become closer in your relationship.

Are there Any Taboos?

There are several subjects that may be considered a fantasy, but in reality are not what most couples would consider acceptable. Telling your lover that you fantasize about your secretary at work or the pool boy are not what we are going for here. These fantasies are better left in the closet until your relationship is utterly bulletproof, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Fantasies may include other people in such manners as threesomes or swinging. Many women fantasize about two or more guys at one time & I don’t think there is a man alive who hasn’t dreamt about two women. These are healthy & completely normal fantasies that may be within your grasp, once your relationship is strong enough. Bisexual fantasies are also very prevalent & require this same stability in the relationship.

Our philosophy is this, anything two people do in the privacy of their lives, with or without other people, that doesn’t harm the other partner or damage the relationship in any way is healthy, BUT, it takes complete trust, respect & a healthy relationship to allow it. Communication, once again will help you explore these fantasies in a non threatening manner to see if you wish to proceed. Jumping into any of these fantasies without completely discussing them in advance may cause irreparable harm.

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So you say your relationship with your lover is pretty good. You talk about your life & job every night in front of the TV but when it comes to sex, what’s to discuss. How about everything! This may well be the most difficult thing to learn, but it is the basis by which all great sexual experiences, & great relationships begin.

First off, the old conception of the giggled whispers about sex & the “garage” boasting about sex have to go out the window.

Test Your Communication Skills

Answer the following questions as honestly as possible. If your lover is with you & you are embarrassed about taking the test write your answers down & we will compare with them later.

Please be honest!

• Can you say the word penis in front of your partner with ease?
• Can you say the word vagina in front of your lover with ease?
• Can you tell your partner what makes you feel great in bed?
• Can you tell your lover what you hate in bed?
• Have you ever discussed your fantasies with your love?
• Have you ever discussed your past lovers with your current lover?
• Do you talk during Sex? (not about the days events)
• Are you taking this test with your significant other?
• Is your current love the best you’ve ever had?
• If not could you tell them why?

If you honestly answered yes to all ten questions you’re ready to move on. If less than 5 you need some work on these skills. If less than 3 we have to do some serious work here.

Match your answers with your lover. Just by taking this test & comparing notes we have started the process of good sexual communication.

The Simple Truth

The basic fact most people never consider in a sexual relationship is that if you cant communicate your needs & desires to your lover things will never get any better. We have spoken to too many couples who feel their sex life is in a rut but won’t discuss the problem with each other. Plain & simple, it will never get fixed if your partner doesn’t know what’s wrong. They will also never know what’s wrong until you tell them. Talking about sex should come as easily as talking about buying a new car.

While sex alone shouldn’t be the only basis for a good relationship it has been the death of many relationships that might have been saved. A partner that feels their needs and desires aren’t being met in the bedroom may look to fulfill those needs elsewhere when the problem could be solved by discussing what each partner is interested in sexually. Too many couples have been torn apart, even though they truly loved each other, because someone in the relationship went out looking for someone to “do things” their mate didn’t do. What’s sad about this is the fact that many of these “wandering” partners never asked their mate, in fact they never discussed their sex life at all. Too many people feel their sexual curiosities and fantasies are “odd” or “not normal” so they feel they can’t discuss it with their lover. What many of these people don’t know is 99% of these thoughts are completely normal and most of the time their partner is having similar (or their own) thoughts about sex.

Too many people expect an amazing sex life to just happen automatically. When it doesn’t happen they tend to keep the problem to themselves and never discuss the issues with their lover. The issues build over time and may lead to a no sex relationship, cheating or divorce. If these couples only took the time to talk to their lover about what they want and need many issues could be solved. If a couple can communicate about their sex life the other communication problems seem easy! So click on one of the links to the left & let’s start turning your sex life into something they can write books about.

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