Everything seems perfect about your partner…except for the sex? When you’re happy in so many other ways, it can be tempting to believe that bad sex is no big deal. But make no mistake, this can be a relationship killer. Remember what they say about the big 3: Money, Sex, and Children. If you’re not together on those things, your relationship doesn’t have much of a chance. But before you give up, work on it! Improving your sex life is totally within your power.
You must maintain a sexual component in your relationship that is satisfying, in order to maintain intimacy and a connection that will last far after the fairy dust of a new relationship has worn off. Rule number 1: Moving in together or getting married will not solve any sexual problems you have. In fact, it’s likely to make them worse, because familiarity usually causes a drop off in sex. If your sex life is not all that great, it will lead to other problems outside the bedroom such as frustration, resentment, and a distancing between you two.
So now that you’re convinced to work on the problem, here are some common problems and ideas to help synchronize you two sexually and improve that part of the relationship.
1. It doesn’t feel that great. If your partner isn’t doing things for you that turn you on or get you where you want to go, it may be due to embarrassment. Everyone is different and what works for one person may not work for the next. It can be hard to know which of those individual buttons to push to make you moan. Rather than fail, your partner just might not try hard enough. The best way to share what you like is to demonstrate what you do when you’re alone. Most people love to watch their partners masturbate, so don’t be shy. As you get aroused, you may want to let your partner participate…that’s up to you!
2. Mismatched equipment. If there’s a mismatch in equipment, the best way to solve it is by doing some positional strategizing. A less-than-long penis is usually enjoyed best in the missionary position, with the lady’s legs up towards her chest for deeper penetration. For a narrow penis, place the lady on her back or stomach with legs closed together, putting the mans legs outside hers. That will create a tighter fit. A too large penis can be accommodated best with the lady on top, so that she can control the depth. Also be sure you’re plenty aroused before penetration – arousal engorges everything and gives a sense of fullness.
3. Boredom. Sometimes people limit their “wild” sexual experiences to one- night stands or meaningless hookups. There may be some reluctance to bring that kind of raunchiness into a stable relationship, thinking that it will cheapen the relationship in some way. Sex experts assure us that not only is that not the case, it’s very important to incorporate some wild sex into a healthy long-term relationship, because it banishes boredom. The first step is to start talking about fantasies you’ve had that you might like to try. These might include sex toys, role playing, or kinky adventures. Watching a movie of people doing what you’re considering can be a good way to explore the idea together.
4. Low libido. New research has shown that about half of people need to get turned on mentally in order to move to physical contact, while the other half of people need to get turned on physically in order to get turned on mentally. You may need to take the first step of making physical contact, kissing and cuddling, before you’ll start to really feel in the mood. A change of pace or scenery can also jump start the libido. Try doing something totally new together, like kayaking or go to some new place you’ve never been before.
5. Non-sexual problems. There may be other things interfering with your sex life such as your own fears and concerns about the relationship. If you don’t feel happy in the relationship and want out, your sex drive will go down. If you have a history of negative sexual experiences, you may have trouble overcoming them even with the best of partners. If you two are fighting a lot lately, or feeling jealous, resentful, or neglected, all of these things will definitely affect your sex life. If these things might be happening in your life, don’t force the sex issue. Try to get whatever it is that’s bothering you out on the table to talk about. If you can resolve it yourselves, wonderful. If not, there are counseling resources for couples that may be able to help you sort out your differences.
Just a reminder that sexual problems don’t tend to simply clear themselves up, so it’s important not to shove them under the rug hoping they’ll just go away. Dealing with these problems may not always be pleasant to do, but it’s the only way to move ahead towards enjoying that awesome sex life you’ve been hoping for.