Nothing in the world is as joyous and fulfilling as raising children but as any parent knows it takes commitment, sacrifice and a whole lot of time. Unfortunately that commitment and sacrifice can take a hefty chunk out of parent's sex lives. All too often couples will accept this loss of a sex life as part of the cost of raising children but more often than not the loss of intimacy will slowly but surely erode their relationship.

Then there are those couples that want a great sex life but just can't seem to figure out how to find the privacy they need. We hope to address many of these problems over this series of articles. As with all the articles at have better sex, if we haven't lived through it or done it we won't write about it so you can trust us when we say this is a topic that is near and dear to us. Over the past 20 some years we have had to adapt and reinvent our sex lives over and over because even though we love our child we have never been willing to give up the intimacy and sex we enjoy so much!

The Early Years

Usually a couple's sex life can continue on normally after the birth of a child but every once in a while a gremlin or two (or more) will show there ugly faces and put a major damper on your sex life. The first of these gremlins may come from a woman's self image. Most women gain some weight during pregnancy and it doesn't just fall off once she gives birth. All too often this extra weight will make a woman feel she is less 'desirable' to her husband. Of course most men will be the first to say that the extra weight makes no difference to them at all but convincing a woman of that can be nothing short of a miracle. This is a time where communication is an absolute must. Men have to take the time to understand what their wife may be going through and be supportive in any way possible. Whether it's a gym membership and offering to watch the kids while she is at the gym or just helping her with a diet, the fact that you understand she wants to be her 'old self' again can mean a lot. Work with her in any way you can to help her get to where she wants to be. Remember guys, you aren't the one that just dealt with weight gain, morning sickness and labor pains!

The next possible 'gremlin', that we know all too well, is postpartum depression. My wife suffered from this problem before there was such a thing. Mood swings from hell, behavior that was so far away from the woman I married and no sex drive at all lasted for two years after our child was born. Then one day she was back to her old self again. We never knew what happened until we happened to catch an episode of Oprah about the subject. We sat glued to the TV mesmerized like we had just found the meaning of life! Postpartum depression is a serious condition and can now be treated. If something 'just isn't right' please see a doctor as soon as possible. For more information on postpartum depression please see the women's health guide.

Last but not least is something that we have never personally experienced but have known people that have lived through it. This has to do with the guys. Every so often a guy gets it into his head that his wife is now a 'mother' and for some strange reason he feels he can't have sex with her any longer. Even if he can he limits it to 'vanilla' sex and makes excuses about trying anything kinky or outside the 'norm'. Now we are NOT psychiatrists and we have no idea why a man would think this but is does happen. Again this is a time when open and honest communication is essential. Without that communication she may feel he no longer finds her sexy, starting a vicious circle of emotions. If open communication doesn't seem to help we would highly suggest seeking professional help.

One other thing men have to understand is that many women experience a loss of libido during and after pregnancy. For most women this loss of desire will return once her body has 'recovered' from the stress of giving birth. Talking with each other about what you both are feeling is vital. Understanding, accepting each other's feelings and working together to reclaim your sex life during this time is absolutely essential and can bring you both closer together in the long run.

Where's Mommy and Daddy?

One thing my wife and I always insisted on was 'our space'. We feel this is an essential lesson that has to be instilled in children from an early age. Something as insignificant as a lock on the bedroom door may not seem like much but it teaches children that there are times when mommy and daddy need privacy. Even when you are just changing clothes you should lock the door to set up that 'space'. If children feel they have free reign over the house and mommy and daddy's bedroom you may end up in a situation where your privacy is non existent.

When children are young privacy usually isn't a major problem but being exhausted from keeping up with all they need while they are awake may put your sex life on hold. The "I'm too tired" line may seem like an excuse to some but in fact it's probably true more often than not. Each of the parents need to understand exactly how much effort the other partner is putting into care of their children, along with their other responsibilities, and make an effort to share these responsibilities. Not to be sexist but the main culprit here is more often than not men. They don't seem to understand just how much effort it can take running a household while raising children but they are the first to ask why their wife is too tired for sex. Try chasing a toddler around the house for 5 or 6 hours a day (or more) and it won't take you long to discover the truth of the matter. Now imagine doing that all day to then having to make dinner, get the kids baths, do homework and get them to bed! Not only will asking to 'help out' with the kids or offer to make dinner give her some 'me time' it shows her you understand the effort she puts into your relationship and your family. Trust me, it's a great start to getting your sex life back on track.

As children grow finding the time, and the privacy, for a great sex life really becomes an issue. Couples all too often resort to quickies as the mainstay of their sex life. Quickies are great once in a while and can be very exciting when done properly but as with anything a steady diet of them leads to an almost mechanical sex life. What couples HAVE to learn is that their relationship and sex life needs time alone without any of the bothers of their daily life! Reconnecting with your lover is absolutely vital to keep the flames of passion burning.

The first thing parents need to do to get their sex life back on track is admit there is a problem and to sit down with each other to 'plan out' a strategy to get things back on course. Just by sitting down and talking to each other the inner fires will begin to rekindle. Talk to each other about ways you can fit sex back into your life and express your desires to each other. We have been through this talk several times in our life and each time we went through it we became slightly closer. We started to feel like a team again with the goal line being an amazing night of passionate sex. Once you have expressed your desires start thinking about the how, when and wheres of making them happen. Here are a few examples of ideas we came up with over the years:

• Take the afternoon off work during the week (or go into work) late. This is a great way to have total privacy again once your children have started school.
• Ask a relative to take the kids for an evening, weekend or just out to a movie.
• Plan an evening out once a month. Have dinner, drinks and then get a motel room. Depending on your babysitter situation you may be able to spend the whole night alone
• Talk to your friends that have children the same age. More than likely they are having the same problems you are so set up overnight "kid swaps" with them. You (and they) get an evening alone with each other and the kids have a blast hanging out with their friends!
• Following the previous method set up afternoons or early evenings where you trade off the kids for movies, the playground or anything else.
• If you normally take a vacation with the kids plan a 2nd weekend trip for just the two of you. You don't even have to go that far away but get away!

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