If you’ve ever basked in the glow of a new love, been swept away by the torrent of desire, or have felt yourself thrown out of control by the overwhelming power of lust, then you know the power and addiction of New Relationship Energy (NRE).

NRE’s addictive, life affirming, rejuvenating, and ego-boosting effects can cause some people to bounce from one new relationship to another, finding new love as soon as the “old” fades away, with the hope of living forever in the magical mystery of NRE. People equate NRE with love and, when the energy fades or transforms into a new state, cause bitter disappointments for many.

New Relationship Energy makes even the sanest among us commit some of the strangest and most self-destructive acts imaginable. Would Paris have abducted Helen of Troy were it not for NRE? Would Romeo have risked so much for Juliette had he not been smitten?

The energy, and subsequent “high” that happens in a new intimate relationship, is akin to that of mood-altering drugs. Research has shown that the brain releases similar chemicals during the initial months of a relationship as it does when under the influence of drugs. It makes the individual consider changing his life in ways unthinkable just prior to the relationship or a few years down the road. It places a gauzy veil between the lovers, hiding their imperfections and exaggerating their virtues.

When we don’t really know someone, but we are falling for them, we tend to “fill in the blanks” with everything we’ve ever wanted in a partner. We imagine that this person is “The One” who will meet our every need, finally. However, no one person can meet all of another person’s needs. As you get to know each other, you’ll find areas of conflict and disagreement, differences that may or may not mean you will be compatible as long-term partners. If at first it seems this person is absolutely perfect, you know you are still in NRE.

So should we become cynical and ignore the lovely sensations new love can bring? How can make the most of NRE without risking major disappointment later on?

As with any mind-altering experience, it is important to realize that your brain is being substantially affected and that the effect is temporary. It usually lasts between 6 months to a year. For those addicted to NRE, this is a terrifying fact because for them it will mean that they’ll be left wanting when the energy dissipates. For others, it’s a relief because as much as they enjoy the experience, the energy needed, the lack of sleep, the rollercoaster of emotions, and the constant uncertainty make it too much to live with on a long-term basis.

Knowing that your brain is being affected and that it won’t last forever is important when making any long-term or life-changing decisions, which tend to occur with far greater frequency during this period than in normal life. Deciding to get married, conceive, buy a house jointly; all of these decisions are extremely risky when the NRE is the main binding force in the relationship.

Dealing with the almost inevitable fading of NRE is perhaps an even greater challenge. How does one deal with the sinking realization that you or your partner doesn’t want sex for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner? How do you deal with the fact that your love is more concerned about work than your next romantic interlude?

Love and lust evolve, hopefully into a more advanced and deeper state with greater benefits and wider scope. Just as it is with an infant, the relationship requires less constant effort, fewer sleepless nights, and less panic about its fragility. Although the NRE baby disappears a year or so down the road, it is replaced with growing trust, then then shared life experiences, and on. The key is not to dwell on what you have lost (“I miss how it used to be”) but on what you have now (“I love my deep and intimate relationship”). Enjoy each stage by living that moment as full as you possibly can.

In recognizing what NRE truly embodies, the chemical cascade of excitement and passion, and maintaining the proper perspective that one cannot live every moment under a waterfall, you can indulge in the wonders, pleasures, and excitement of its power. When you know that rational thought is adversely affected by it, you can avoid making major commitments or life-changing decisions until you’ve regained a bit of your rational thought back.

Considering that the average life span hovers around 70-80 years, there’s no reason to leap so soon into decisions that a clearer head would regret. Some of the key decisions to put off: getting married (and to a lesser extent, getting engaged), buying a house jointly, getting pregnant (not using birth control), moving to a new country, major financial decisions (selling a house, stocks, etc.), and, for those already married or in another serious relationship, breaking off an existing relationship.

The most unfortunate casualties of NRE are existing relationships, most notably marriages and other long-term relationships. NRE, when confused with true love, causes an individual to question their previous love as this older relationship, naturally, does not have the power and energy of the new one. The affected individual will often break off their existing relationship to be with the new one, only to return once the NRE has worn off and the realization that the older relationship held more meaning and love than the newer one.

For open relationships and others that accept the transient but powerful nature of NRE, this becomes less of an issue but one still has to be aware that NRE has the power to make one believe that the new is the one and only.

NRE is a gift but it is also a Pandora’s box. It is possible to make it wonderful and not have it destroy your life, either in whole or in part. Stick with the principle of not making life-changing decisions during the first year of a new relationship, but at the same time enjoy and live every stage of it. Don’t torture yourself with worries about the future of the relationship, live in the present. When the magic fades, look towards the beauty, stability, and adventure that a growing and loving relationship can provide.

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