Hint: It’s not the same thing as love!

Jealousy is such an unpleasant emotion! Most of us have felt that sick, painful feeling in our stomachs at one time or another, telling us that something is very wrong. Jealousy usually happens when a new person comes on the scene and our partner seems attracted to them, or they seem to be attracted to our partner. Both situations result in the original partner feeling insecure. Sometimes jealousy can present itself as anger towards the new person, the “interloper,” but really the foundation of all jealousy is insecurity and fear: a fear of losing one’s partner to someone else, and/or a fear of being alone.

This fear can be quite strong and scary. After all, we enjoy being with our partners and the thought of losing them to someone else is painful. To many people, the thought of being alone and without a partner at all is terrifying. So many of us, both men and women, go from partner to partner to partner, never really experiencing what it is to live alone, perhaps believing it is impossible to live a happy life without a partner. For all these reasons, jealousy rears its ugly head and makes us feel miserable.

As a result of these common beliefs, many people think jealousy is natural and understandable. Some people even equate it with love: “If my partner isn’t jealous of me, he must not really love me,” or “I’m only jealous because I love my partner and want to keep him or her with me.” However, what is less commonly known is that some people don’t feel jealousy at all (yet they still love their partners very much), and others have learned to deal with and overcome their jealousy (yet they still love their partners very much). Whether or not you believe jealousy is natural and understandable, wouldn’t it be nice to be free of the green monster for good?

The good news is that it is possible to overcome jealousy. It may take time, and some help from your partner, but it can be done – and counter to the beliefs above, it will significantly enhance the bond you have with your partner.

Being less jealous, and therefore less fearful and less controlling with your partner, will create a more loving relationship between you.

Overcoming jealousy is both an individual and joint effort. This is because although our fears come from inside ourselves, our partners and others around us can reinforce our fears or help us feel less fearful with their actions and words. So it’s important that you both agree that jealousy is not the same as love, and that there are better ways to show you love someone than by getting jealous. Reaching this agreement is an important step towards overcoming jealousy: merely agreeing it is not a productive emotion, and starting the conversation about jealousy.

Then it’s time to talk more specifically about what makes you jealous and why. Your partner can’t help you overcome jealousy if they don’t understand what you are thinking. Which means it’s important that you do some soul-searching so you can tell your partner exactly what it is that’s making you jealous.

When you find yourself feeling jealous, rate your fear from 0 (not at all afraid) to 10 (extremely afraid):

• How afraid are you that the person making you jealous will take your partner away from you?
• How afraid are you that you are not as [good as] [pretty as] [handsome as] [sexy as] this other person?
• How afraid are you of not having a partner at all?

Figuring these things out for yourself and sharing them with your partner is the biggest step towards eliminating jealousy from the situation. In most cases, the threat is more imagined than real. Sure, the new person may seem exciting or good looking, but that doesn’t mean your partner has any intention at all of leaving you for that person. Get it out in the open and share your feelings. After all, if you can’t talk honestly with your partner, are they really the right person for you? If this new person really is a threat to your relationship, shouldn’t you know about it before things get worse? If you treat each other with care and sensitivity (i.e., listening and reflecting, not accusing your partner of anything or reacting defensively), you will increase the intimacy between you. Being vulnerable with each other is one of the greatest ways to strengthen your bond.

Of course, it is possible that one day your partner may indeed become more interested in someone else than in you. It does happen. Learning how to deal with that reality will be an even bigger step in eliminating jealousy from your life forever, and is the subject of our next article:

Overcoming Jealousy: Believing in the Power of YOU.

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