If you do a search on the Internet for sexually transmitted diseases, you can start panicking really fast. It seems like you should be afraid of everything! And while it’s true there are some scary possibilities out there, there are also some things you can relax about. In this article I’ll talk about how single people or people in open relationships can handle safe sex practices reasonably and calmly.

We’ll focus on preventing sexually transmitted diseases instead of pregnancy. In the end, it will be up to you and your partner(s) to decide what’s comfortable and what’s not, and I’ll offer some suggestions for negotiating safe sex practices you can live with and still enjoy your sex life.

First things first. Most of us hate condoms, I know. They aren’t my favorite form of protection either, because I, like you, like the feel of real skin. But condoms sure are worth a lot of peace of mind, so I’ve spent some time trying various kinds to see if any were better than any others. Both my partners and I have noticed a significant difference with non-latex condoms in terms of sensation and heat. Polyurethane condoms simply feel better. They aren’t for everyone, but I highly recommend giving them a try. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Condoms are, of course, not your only option. There are female condoms, latex gloves, and the possibility of limiting your activities to reduce the risk of disease transmission. You’ll want to discuss your preferences with your partner or partners, because everyone has their own comfort level with sexual practices.

If you are in a long term, monogamous relationship and you really don’t sleep with other people, you are in the second–safest configuration in terms of sexual health. The safest, as you probably can guess, is not sleeping with anyone at all. But since that’s not our preferred lifestyle, we’ll skip over that option. Exclusive relationships keep the potential risk quite low, but one problem with monogamous, supposedly exclusive relationships is that they are notoriously non-exclusive. What’s worse, this non-exclusivity isn’t discussed; it’s kept secret. If your partner has someone on the side, and doesn’t tell you, you have no way of knowing if your sexual health is being considered while they are fooling around. If you suspect your partner of sleeping with others, and not necessarily being 100% condom-consistent, you might want to insist on using condoms with your partner yourself. While condoms are not 100% effective, they are quite good at keeping most diseases from spreading.

What if you are a single person, or someone in a more open relationship where the possibility of other sexual partners is discussed? Then you are in a much better position to protect yourself. Each time a new partner comes on to the scene, there needs to be some negotiation beforehand so everyone is comfortable. Some people are much more nervous than others, preferring to be covered in latex head to toe, while others throw caution to the wind each time, risking their own health and the health of those around them. There is some sort of middle ground you can find, where everyone can feel comfortable.

What we do in our open relationship is have annual STD testing, and we use condoms with all new partners. We show our test results to our partners so they can feel safe, and we ask them to agree to testing so that we feel safe. If the relationship becomes exclusive (and you trust in that exclusivity), then the possibility of ditching the condoms can be discussed.

A major red flag for you should be if your partner insists on using no protection, or insists on only doing things his or her way. This kind of behavior does not bode well for a relationship, much less for good sex! Good sex is built on a foundation of mutual trust and respect, even if the relationship is brief or casual. Having the safe sex discussion can be a great way to break the ice and see how your potential partner deals with a sensitive situation. After all, if something goes wrong, you might have to have many more conversations about how to deal with the consequences. So if you don’t feel good about how the conversation about safe sex goes before you have sex, you might want to reconsider even going there with this particular person.

In terms of STDs, what should you be concerned about? You probably have read a lot about HPV and oral herpes and genital herpes and other diseases, but are some worse or higher risk than others? Absolutely. Check out our upcoming article, STDs: When to Panic, When to be Vigilant, and When to Relax.

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