The Better Sex Guide To Communication
You’ve heard it a million times:
Good communication is critical to a good relationship, and a good sex life.
But how many of us really know what “good communication” really means? After all, most of us think we’re pretty good at communicating, don’t we? We talk to our partners, we have fun conversations, and think we’ve got the communication thing down.
But if your sex life or your relationship aren’t everything you’d hoped, there’s a very good chance that some improvement in the communication department will fix the problem.
Unfortunately, like anything worthwhile in life, good communication takes real effort and isn’t always easy. In fact, if you find communicating with your partner to be easy and problem-free, you’re probably not doing it right.
That’s because good communication includes not only talking about the fun stuff, like how much you love each other, your vacation plans or your dreams for the future, but also the really tough stuff.
Have you really talked with your partner about…
- the things you wish you could do sexually but (maybe) your partner doesn’t want to do?
- what monogamy means and whether it’s right for you both?
- the things you are most afraid your partner will find out about you?
- what the following words really mean to you personally (not just in general): cheating, sex, commitment, love, marriage, safe sex, kinky?
It can be difficult to really delve into these things. But if you can do it, it will lead to a far greater level of intimacy than when you just assume your partner thinks like you do. And good sex is about being intimate, both in and out of the bedroom. After all, if you can talk about what really worries you or scares you in life, it becomes far less scary to talk about what exactly turns you on in bed!
Why we’re not good communicators
The reason most people find it so scary to talk about these other things is because they are afraid of unpleasantness. After all, who wants to fight or disagree? We’d rather imagine that we agree about things than actually bring them out in the open and find out. There is a fear that your partner might leave if he or she knew how you feel about monogamy, sexual fantasies, marriage and commitment.
The thing is, these are real issues that are part of you. Talking about difficult issues is a part of life you can’t avoid. Trying to hide them never works. Eventually they come out, one way or another, usually in a very unpleasant way. At least some of the unpleasantness can be avoided by making the moves to talk before there is a problem.
When to communicate
It’s important to choose an appropriate time for this kind of communication. Make a date with your sweetie, just to TALK. Let your partner know it’s important to you to share some very personal things with each other. Try to avoid times when either partner is rushing out the door, stressing over an upcoming meeting, or is in some way distracted. A nice dinner out, on a summer evening walk, or after sex can be good times. Try to sense if your partner is willing at that moment, and don’t be afraid to press the subject a little. It’s hard to talk about these things! However, of course if your partner gets angry or defensive, it’s probably a good time to stop and take a break. You can try again another time.
What to communicate
Here are those important issues again. You don’t have to cover them all in one session. Take your time and see where the conversation goes. If you can discuss these things respectfully with each other, even if things get a bit upsetting, then you are on your way to far greater intimacy with your partner, both in and out of bed.
- How you REALLY FEEL about monogamy and exclusivity?
- What don’t you want your partner to find out about you? What would happen if they did?
- What do you wish you could do but (maybe) can’t, now that you are in this relationship? Is it really true that you can’t?
- Describe a sexual fantasy you have that your partner doesn’t know about. (or bring it up again if you didn’t get a great response the first time.
- What do the following words really mean to you personally (not just in general): cheating, sex, commitment, love, marriage, safe sex, kinky?
How to talk about sex
Maybe you’d like to do something new in bed (something kinky or different from the usual) and you don’t know how to broach the subject with your partner. One easy way to do it is to bring it up at a non-sexual time, in a news or reference sort of context. Such as, “Hey there was an interesting article on the ‘net about….(fill in the blank). Just see how they respond in a general way. If your partner seems receptive, you can take the discussion further. If not, you’ll have to work your way in more gradually. Don’t give up, though, especially if it’s important to you. Just remember this very important point about partner communication on any topic:
Their first response is unlikely to be the same as their future responses.
People’s first response to a new or challenging subject is often defensive. They haven’t considered the issue, so the first reaction is, “Oh, I could never do that.” But over time they may think about the idea (especially if you gently offer more information over time) and they may come around to your point of view! This is especially true if you listen to your partner’s concerns and adjust your proposal to meet at least some of his or her needs. So don’t give up!
For example, say you’ve always wanted to try a threesome but don’t know how to bring up the idea to your partner without making them feel inadequate. After sex, you could let your partner know how much you enjoy sex with her and be sure she feels secure in your connection. Then you could ask if she has ever thought about adding someone else to the mix, and see what kind of response you get. Rather than push your opinion only, it’s important to really listen to your partner and ask questions about what they want and don’t want and why.
If your partner is extremely resistant, don’t push the topic. Say you’d never force your partner to do anything, it was just something that interested you. If it’s really important to you, bring it up again at another time.
Prepare yourself to answer the following questions by thinking them through ahead of time:
- Why do you want to try this activity? (“Because it sounds like fun” may not be enough information for your partner).
- How long have you been thinking about doing this?
- Does this mean you’ve lost interest in your partner?
- What else have you been thinking about trying that might be interesting?
Note to the wise: if you limit yourself to threesomes with only a particular combination of genders (e.g., only two women and a man), you may limit your ability to get what you want. Be open to your partner’s desires and concerns. See if you can address them.
Talking about these subjects can lead to all kinds of interesting revelations about each of you – and this is where it gets good. Learning more about your inner selves is what leads to real intimacy, which can lead to greatly improved sex.
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please help me have better sex and be more fun in bed