T’s question My husband and I have a really good relationship overall, but we are really having communication problems when it comes to sex and romance. My husband’s idea of romance is to ask if I am ready to go have sex. I can not hug him or kiss him with-out him asking if am ready for sex. It makes me feel really pressured and turns me off. I have tried to explain this to him, and he will back off for a short period. But, then reverts back to the same behavior. The problem has followed us into the bedroom. He seems to only want to a enough foreplay to get me a “wet”, than wants to jump on for the main act. I have suggest sex games, movies, and different things to prolong the foreplay, and he is willing at the time, but never makes any suggestions himself. Also, he will ask how I prefer different things to be done, and the next day he seems to forget what was said. I really would like for him to make more of an interest in spicing thing up and in the romance of the relationionship. I have tried talking to him, and may make an effert for a day or two. Then things goes back to the same old thing. I’m out of ideas and don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get him to care more about this part of our realationship. Help!!!

Our Answer We didn’t want you to think we were ignoring your question but it really got us doing some serious thinking. Your problem is not an easy one at all and we sympathize with your dilemma but we don’t have a “magic bullet” answer on this one.

The problem as we see it is communication on HIS side, first off he doesn’t seem to want to explain what he wants, secondly he obviously isn’t absorbing what you have told him about your wants, needs and desires. His “paying attention” for a day or so and then reverting back to his old habits make us think he is not taking you seriously, that he thinks your comments are just a moment’s whim.

In our opinion this is going to take some serious work on both your parts. First off he has got to understand once and for all that you are serious about this and that if something doesn’t change for the better your relationship WILL suffer. As sorry as we are to say it this type “lack of attention” is one of the main causes of a partner seeking out others to fulfill their inner needs, especially in women that feel their is no romance or compassion in their relationship. While we do not condone cheating it has been proven over and over that this is the #1 reason women cheat.

As sorry as we are to say it this may take an ultimatum on your side. We almost never recommend this type action but we can hear desperation in your email and feel you have done as much as you think you can. He has got to understand what you are feeling and he has got to start acting as a partner in your relationship. The way you describe his actions related to sex smack of selfishness on his part, he is only concerned about his pleasure.

We honestly don’t see him changing until he is presented with the fact that you feel your relationship is having major problems, and we mean presented in a way that he finally sees the situation is serious. Yes this could cause a fight but every once in a while a fight brings out people’s true feelings and some understanding.

This may also require some counseling with a marriage specialist. Your longing for romance and more than a “wham bam thank you ma’am” is 100% normal and should be expected in a happy, healthy relationship. If he wants your marriage to work over the long term he has to start changing. This type of a situation will progressively get worse until it degrades into cheating or even worse, a divorce.

So as little help as this is (we really wish we had some magic potion that could fix it) you, once again, have to bring up the subject but this time you have got to get it through his thick skull that you mean business!

R’s question: I love my husband very much we’ve only been married almost 7 years and recently I caught him looking at porn naturally I got upset. I just don’t get why he feels the need when I’m willing to do whatever, whenever, wherever, my sex drive is definitely higher then his but he tells me things are just the same old same old. Isn’t that the point of marriage b/c you’ve made that decision to be with that person and that person only. Can you give me some new ideas to try. We are only 27 years old and should not be suffering in the bedroom yet. I wouldn’t think. Please help us.

Her Answer: The comment from your husband of “just the same old same old” is what you have to work on. Just because you are married does not mean that you cannot try or do different things. One of my favorite sayings is “variety is the spice of life”, the same goes for your sex life. Yes, if you keep doing the same thing over and over again boredom will soon set in. So you need to look into doing different things, change location, add new positions, add toys or even role playing. If you look through our positions guide you will see that there are many different positions you could try. You should also look at them with your husband and see which ones intrigue both of you. One thing that my husband and I have done in the past was to make a sort of lottery, you write down on a small piece of paper different things that you would like to do. Place these papers in a bag and have one of you pick one, whatever is picked is what you do for that evening. It could be a different place, a certain position or just a full body massage with extras. Keep variety in your sex life, don’t get stuck in a rut. No one wants to do the same thing the same way every time, everyone will get bored and the enjoyment will be gone.

Now about your husband watching porn. Watching porn is nothing to be ashamed of, many people watch it in the privacy of their own homes, what you might try is watching it together. Many couples watch porn together to help enhance their own sex life. It can also give you an idea of what he likes or might like to try. There are movies out there that are geared toward couples that are a little less hard core then most. Don’t get upset that’s he’s watching porn, it’s really nothing out of the ordinary.

His Answer: I can’t agree more with my wife’s response about experimenting with new things. We have been together for over 23 years and our sex life is more exciting now than it was in the first 5 - 10 years we were together. Why? Because we agreed to explore our inner fantasies together, to try things we think we might like or that one of us was interested in. The funny thing about this is that most times what one person wants to do usually ends up being enjoyed by both even though the other mate never even thought of it.

Anything you do over and over in the same fashion becomes boring after a while, it can happen with food, clothes and yes even sex! The key here is the one topic we are constantly going back to in our articles, communication. If you don’t tell your partner you want to try something new to spice things up they will never know. If you feel your sex life has become boring it is time to sit down with your husband and talk about it. Trust me, I don’t think there is a man in the world that wouldn’t be receptive to his wife saying “let’s spice up our sex life”

Now on to the porn issue. Society has beaten us over the head to try and tell us porn is bad, or evil and while there is a lot of really bad porn out there there is also some wonderful, sensual porn that couples can enjoy together or alone. Whether you know it or not men masturbating to porn is about as normal it gets. It has been that way for many many years and will be that way for many years to come. Do not take this as an insult or a threat to how attracted he is to you because it has nothing to do with it. It is not “cheating” as many would have you believe. As my wife mentioned you should try finding some porn you would both enjoy and try watching it together, not only is this something “new” for the two of you it can also lead to some great conversations about what each of you would like to try or might enjoy.

Most of all though we both feel you and your husband have to start talking about your sex life! It may be somewhat awkward at first but if you feel you are bored now and don’t do something about it you can be sure it will get worse. Set up some private time and if need be a few drinks to loosen the both of you up and start talking. Trust us when we say it will open up your sex life to possibilities you never imagined.

K’s question: Wife and I have good sex but we want to make it better. I want her to have a better orgasm. She doesn’t really know if she has ever had one. Can you help.

Our answer: It’s a great thing that you two have decided work together to make your sex life together! It will not only create wonderful nights of passion it will also bring you two closer together than you have ever been!

Talking to each other is the first part of this voyage. One recommendation we can give is to read over and article at the site and then discuss it with each other. Whether you both enjoyed the article or you didn’t be honest with each other. Just the act of talking about different topics and being 100% honest with each other will start the process of an amazing sex life!

We can almost say with 99% accuracy that if she doesn’t know if she’s ever had an orgasm she probably hasn’t. It’s one of those things that you definitely don’t miss. I would suggest both of you read the following articles in an effort to moving her towards an orgasm.

A Womans Voyage To Orgasm 1 and A Womans Voyage To Orgasm 2 and Womans Orgasm

For a woman having an orgasm isn’t a sure thing. Most women do not orgasm from intercourse, they either orgasm from oral sex or masturbation. The above articles should help guide you through the process but remember it takes time and patience from both of you. Lastly it requires her being aware of her body and how it works (what feels good) and her being able to ‘let go’ with her mind and let her body take control.

R’s question: I’m hoping for an article on sex where the woman does most of the work. I think I’m a total ignorant when it comes to sex. My husband complains that he does all the work, and that whenever I’m on top I move in a way that hurts. I’m totally lost, I love sex, but want to give up because I’m just embarrassed by my lack of performance/knowledge.

Our answer: First off please don’t think you should be ’super wife’ without time and practice. For some reason people feel they have to be ’sexually perfect’ by nature but that is not the case for the simple reason that no one teaches people how to have sex and do it well! As a matter of fact today’s society tries to make people feel “dirty” or outside the norm if they express a desire to learn about great sex when in fact just about everyone is thinking the same thing. Your willingness to learn and desire to get better at it is a great first step so hang in there.

The first thing I would do is talk to your husband about this. Tell him how you feel and that you really want to learn. That in itself should get things rolling in the “communication field”. Once he is aware of the situation and is willing to help (hopefully) you can work together to a better sex life. Experimentation is the ONLY way you are going to find what works for both of you. You may also find things you didn’t even know you enjoyed by experimenting! The one caveat here is that both parties have to be willing to talk, try things and work together towards a better sex life. One person can not do it alone!

Don’t give up, it gets better with time, practice and communication!

Thanks for the great question, we will definitely add this topic to the article list, look for it soon!

A’s question: My husband and I have seen lot’s of stories and web sites talking about female ejaculation. Is this real or is it just something you see it porn movies? Is it urine? How can I learn to do this?

our answer: Female ejaculation has only just begun to come into the public eye and be accepted by the medical profession. 90% of the doctors out there simply don’t fully understand it yet and there is a lot of really bad information about it. Several doctors have come out and said that in fact it is urine, while others disagree saying it is a secretion from an internal gland.

We, however, can categorically say it is in fact real and it is not urine. How? Because my wife does it on a regular basis (basically every time she has an orgasm). We also know it is not urine for the simple fact that if she has an orgasm while my penis is inside her she literally pushes me out with the fluid! So unless she is able to urinate from inside her uterus the urine idea goes right out the window!

Not all women can ejaculate and in fact a lot of what you see in porn movies is fabricated but female ejaculation is in fact real! You may or may not be able to do it. Some women are able to ejaculate via stimulation of the g-spot while others, like my wife can do it from clitoral stimulation.

That is the short answer to a very long topic. I will stop there because we already have an article in the works on this very subject. In the mean time there is some information in our Womens Orgasm section.

question from our old forum: Our relationship as far as swinging goes is in an emotional mess, having tried with disastrous results swinging, and we are now post affair (his). His drive to communicate with me is in regards to him being a whole complete person and his lust for other women. Obviously, had we both communicated much better (and for us that means 20+ years ago of this conversation, although perhaps we would have never made it this far) we would not be here. Now…I feel and am sure that I am wrong about this, that there is something lacking in his “love” for me simply because he wants to be sexually, or emotionally involved with another woman, or women. I am really hoping to connect with another woman who can give me her viewpoint on swinging, love trust (by the way just what does trust mean? I think that it’s silly to say that he or she is going home with YOU after swinging, and that somehow is sufficient. To me, it’s not. Where are they going to go, with the other couple? Trust must mean something different, but that is what I see time and time again.

It’s just after 3 in the morning, and I haven’t slept a night through for a very long time, although it doesn’t have to do with just the swinging question. He said something yesterday that has been echoing within me. He said that before (mostly because of his overwhelming interest in other women) that I thought that I couldn’t trust him before, then he proved to me guaranteed that I couldn’t trust him. Now I am rambling, but I am lonely, I can not trust anyone, am confused about swinging, it’s supposed to be about a couple, yet it is his drive for others that really fuels this, and seeing me with another guy. Can anyone explain anything about this?

our answer: I don’t even know where to start! No, trust isn’t the whole thing that makes swinging work. Its really quite hard to explain actually although we have tried in many articles. Its about the two of you being “incomplete” without each other, knowing that there’s is next to nothing that can come between you (esp another person). I guess it’s the definition of “true love” that everyone looks for.

Many couples that swing are like this, although there are also a lot that are no where near this and yes it can be the death of a relationship! The couples that are in that “true love” relationship that swing don’t really consider it “him with her” or “her with him” at all, they look at it as “us with them” or “us with her” … if you get my point. If one person forces the swinging issue on the other it’s almost always a disaster and as you have mentioned is usually that person’s way of cheating without cheating but plain and simple if both parties aren’t 100% ready for it it should be avoided at all costs!

As far as catching him cheating, well I don’t even know where to begin there! I personally look at that as the lowest thing anyone can do to their mate. I don’t understand why people do it unless there is no sex at home (not that I condone it then but it is a powerful motivation). It just aggravates the hell out of me when I hear the stories about cheating and then usually find out the cheating party was just “looking for something they weren’t getting at home” but they never even asked their mate if they were interested! That is just stupid! So I can’t give you the woman’s side of this story but maybe a different guys perspective might add some light to your problem. I really wish I could say or do more but it does sound like you have some serious issues with your husband and it is going to take some serious work, communication and honesty to get through them!